dallas moore

Toilet Train My Evil Cat, Step 2: Realize That It Requires Artful Subterfuge

Upon venturing into the realm of toilet training my Evil Cat, I realized that telling said Evil Cat to do something directly does not produce desired results. Case in point would be pointing.

Let’s say that there’s a small animal outside or people walking on an adjacent sidewalk to your property. If you were to take a puppy dog and point at a little squirrel or a mother and her child, there’s a good chance that the puppy dog will actually look at where you’re pointing. They will actually be interested in the small rodent or man apes. They might even wag their tail. The same activity of pointing with an average cat would result in it looking at your finger since it is the closest thing in proximity that appears to be moving.

Pointing with my Evil Cat results in a brief smell of the finger followed by a taste test of the blood beneath. Then the relentless clawing begins. Oh the clawing. The end product is nowhere near what I wanted even though the results are always the same. In each and every case, the squirrel goes free, the mother is overjoyed as the small child continues giggling, picking its nose, and instinctively scanning nearby trees for fruit.

In the scenario of the Evil cat, I wanted to draw attention away from myself as a target of its wrath. I could have retreated to safety while the third parties met a wrathful fate. Instead, I provoked further malice and suffering in my direction.

Thusly, placing said Evil Cat on a toilet and saying “poo” would not produce the comprehension of toilet use concepts by the cat that is desired (what I want). Instead, it would result in more relentless clawing and bloodletting (I provoked).

The one thing that is a hindrance in my normal activity of having the company of Evil Cat is that she is hyper intelligent–I suspect she’s also psychic. She does not play along with the drudgery of normal cat activities. She wants to do the human stuff; read books when I’m reading, use the computer when surfing the web, watch television while I’m watching television. How do I know this? It’s quite apparent: she sits on my books when I read, she sits on my keyboard while I try to type, and she’s right there in front of the TV staring at me. I can hear her brain telling me “You have seen this episode of The Simpsons twenty times already. Change the channel to static and white noise. My true masters are scheduled to send me further instructions and that is their conduit.” But I digress…

The litter box is where the Evil Cat goes to the restroom. The desired result is that the Evil Cat will use the toilet instead. Since the direct method of sitting the Evil Cat on the toilet results in confusion and pain, I must go the indirect route. I have repositioned the litter box closer to the targeted toilet. Evil Cat has already noted the new arrangement and has adjusted properly and without hurt turned in my direction.

This brings her restroom activities closer to the bathroom. I am closer to what I want, but I have not provoked her. Yet.